i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
