thus making me awesome and them whores
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
