Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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