the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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