she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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