i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
