I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
