She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
