I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
