Can i not drive my cunt home
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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