Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
