Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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