come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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