I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize