I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize