You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
