why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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