Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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