yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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