he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
