You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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