The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
