Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
