Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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