can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
