my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
