her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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