I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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