I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
