You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
