You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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