Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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