dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
