at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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