omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
