Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
