How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
