Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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