i just sent this text using only my big toe
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Drunk walkin through police station. America
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
