Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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