Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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