Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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