Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
