oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
