he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
