We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
