my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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