Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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