Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
