We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
