We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
