just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
