I didn't shave. On purpose
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
