Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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