he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
