i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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