i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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