His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
