Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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