U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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