I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
