When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
